Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
okay pat passed out under dana's car
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Randomize
