In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
