i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
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