how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
