I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
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