I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
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