I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
