Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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