I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
