The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
