Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
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