i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
We don't watch enough power rangers
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
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