I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
