My brain says no but my pants say off.
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
