yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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