Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
