i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
