He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
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