she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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