You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
