I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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