He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
