i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
The Olympian is in my bed
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
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