you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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