Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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