the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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