put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Randomize
