my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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