He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
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