eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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