sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
