dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
