So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
