I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
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