he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Randomize
