I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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