We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
