You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
