I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
