I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
