I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
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