I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Randomize
