The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
