I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
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