I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
