the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
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