i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Randomize