Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
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