I skipped work to stalk him.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
