what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
