There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
