watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
