my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Randomize
