FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
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