just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
