im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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