i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
