On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Randomize
