i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
