True but thats because hes a fetus.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
