I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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