I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
