I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
