Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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