thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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