My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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