It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
