i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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