either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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